WHERE AM I?

Here's my homework for one of our subjects, Art Appreciation:

WHERE AM I?

If I’m going to answer that question to myself, I’d probably say “you’re right here in your brother’s room, using his PC, surfing the net, and doing this homework for tomorrow”. But I’d probably irritate my professor with such a silly answer.

What’s weird is that how come I reacted with such exaggeration when our professor gave us this question, “where am I?” Isn’t it simple and short that once asked, you could easily answer it? No, not really. I reacted rather violently because when our professor gave us the question, wheels in my head started turning. Asking follow-up questions such as, “What does he mean by that? Does he mean where we are literally? Where we live, what we do? Does he mean where we are in the most philosophical, logical way?” But he said it’s up to us to answer the question.

Where am I, really? Why is this so hard for me to answer? Maybe I really don’t know where I am. Am I just a small being in this vast universe I am part of? Would anyone even care if I exist or not even exist in the first place? I guess I’m here in this world as a human being, as a girl, or as a woman 20 years of age. I’ve been here all my life, in my country, the Philippines, for as long as I’ve known how to say “mama” and “papa”.

Ah! Maybe the reason why I’m having a difficult time to write this, is that the question may be related to other questions such as “WHO AM I?” or “WHAT AM I?”. When I think of answering the question “where am I?”, I can’t help but answer in such a way that I have to tell you my nature as a person. I think that’s the only way for me to answer where I really am.

Would my status in life affect where I am right now? Yes, I think it would. Right now I can tell you that besides being a 4^th year Communication Arts student in the Pontifical and Royal Catholic University of Santo Tomas, I am also a lover of the arts. Theater, that is. If I haven’t been in this school, I would not be included in this prestigious organization, Artistang Artlets, of our Faculty. If I hadn’t been studying, I’d probably be at home or somewhere else doing the things that would make me happy, but not permanently.

I belong to a near-perfect-but-not-too-perfect family so I was brought up to be a good girl (yes, how true…). My parents taught all the values I need like saying “po” and “opo” to my elders and so on. They entered me in an exclusive-for-girls school run by nuns, which again bombarded me with values such as simplicity, humility and austerity. Then came college life. And here I am, faced with home works such as these. So, again, does that imply where I am right now? Slightly yes, but not quite clearly again. You see, I told you I can’t help but write all the things about me, when in fact; the question is just “where am I?”!

“Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar!” I’ve said that so many times after having a fight with someone significant in my life. I’ve never given any thought about the line, but as I am typing this, I realized that I can put so much meaning in it. A person is not certain where he would place himself in some situation that would arise. As for me, this line signifies that kind of situation. In times of confusions, most of the time, I only rely on myself believing that I can stand on my own, without the help of other people. But I was wrong. There are times that I have to confide in others so that they could bring me out of my misery. Now I can finally find myself again with other people’s help. If in any case, I’ve let myself gloom over my life or in any situation, then I’d be lost. I won’t be able to find myself, not unless I help myself or let others lend their assistance.

Confusion often arises when we can’t understand or decide what we really want. Because of this, we let others intentionally or unintentionally get involved in this condition. The problem that usually occurs is asking whose fault is it. By trying desperately to please yourself, you’ve in turn, done worse for the others. Because some people just can’t think straight. I think I’m one of them…

If life is just a straight line during the course of its cycle, then maybe people would know exactly where they are. But no, life is not a straight line. It’s a series of loops that you won’t know where it will lead you in the end. And for that, there’s no certainty where you stand, where you really are.

If I ask God where I am, maybe finally I can concretely, precisely, accurately and specifically answer the question. Being a religious girl and all, I do believe that only God knows the answer of where we really are. Maybe he’ll answer, “You are my child, you are Marchella, and you are there because I created you. You will finish your college there in UST, then have a great career, a family, then get really old, die in your sleep, then go here in heaven. This is where you’ll be, but right now, be happy that I’ve placed you right where you should be.” Hmmm… That would be nice. But what if, without being blasphemous, God isn’t there to answer my questions, then what exactly would I answer?

Where am I? I am exactly where I should be. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to live. Not just live, but to live my life to its fullest. Why do I live? I live because a Higher Being made it possible for me to live. I’ll live my life not with myself, but with other people. Living with other people puts meaning in my life. I’d have to deal with challenges that I have to face alone or with the people I trust most. These experiences will make me stronger as a person. My quest in life, of finding meaning in life, would be a continuous journey until the day I die and move on to the next one.

You see, after asking my self the question “where am I”, I’ve let you in, to peek a little of my life. To see who I am. I guess those two questions: “who am I” and “where am I” are both related. I simply can’t answer the other without answering the other also. Confusing. But true…on my side, that is.